Asking people for money is always an incredibly awkward experience. Add on a pile of social and gendered expectations and you’ve got a maelstrom of uncomfortable assumptions. These days, many couples live together before they marry and are used to managing their own money together so they are choosing to pay for their own weddings, with contributions from their parents, rather than the old tradition of the bride’s father paying for the whole shebang. This means that asking your parents for a contribution can be an etiquette minefield.
If you’re mostly covering costs yourselves, my personal recommendation
when initially setting your wedding budget is to try not to factor in what
parents and others might be contributing. That way anything they give you will
be a bonus that you don’t have to pay yourselves, which will save you money and
you won’t get caught out if for some reason it’s less than you thought or than
they originally advised. Don’t be tempted to count their contribution as
expanding the budget and allowing you to really splurge! Remember there is a
marriage at the end of all this that will need healthy finances to flourish. Anything
you save on the wedding can be instead directed towards other savings goals
like a house deposit or a new car.
Another recommendation: don’t ask your parents outright how much they
are willing to give. In doing so you are essentially asking them to put a price
on their love for you, and no parent is going to appreciate that. Instead, once
you’ve figured out what the overall budget looks like and how much you can
save, you should be able to ask them for a specific figure or even ask them to
cover the estimated cost of a specific item, like the photography. That way
they’ll feel less like an ATM and you can avoid serious embarrassment
later if you make decisions they won’t agree with—it’s a lot harder to win an
argument with your mum on the dress if she can say “well I’m paying for it”!
Keep in mind also that there are lots of etiquette rules around weddings
and your parents might be working on an assumption without your
knowledge. As an example, my parents thought they were going to be paying
specifically for the food and were thus rather affronted when we mentioned we were considering a
very fancy restaurant for the reception! Be upfront about your own expectations and
ask them about theirs so everyone is on the same page.
Tips:
- You're not obligated to tell anyone how much the whole shebang is costing you. Yes, there will be people who ask.
- Make sure to pick the right moment for the money conversation. Try not to blindside anyone and don't let the conversation get derailed.
- Be prepared if you're asking for a high figure to justify the expense. "But it's my wedding!!" is not always enough of an argument.
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